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Well, I think the fuck everything title is obscenely fitting today. Everything has officially fallen over and fucked itself in every possible way. I do not have the energy to go on with any of this shit. ARGH! 3 days. 3 fucking days. I am not going to take everything trying over and over again to fuck me over! No more. (7/3/02)
I'm so fucking sick of having to live up to other people, and having to pull any shit for them. I hate everything I'm going through. I hate life. No more fucking jumping through other people hoops. This is reality. This is bull shit. (7/2/02)
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The old shit:
5/1: Alright, this is, because I know how much it gets to me when I have no clue what people are writing about in their rants, about Krystyna. So you know.
Why is it that one moment, you can seem to be getting on fine with someone, almost as if all the friction went away, and then you get home and you're still on their ignore list? And the next time you're together, they seem to have gone right back to not caring?
4/22: Aaaaargh!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid humanities classes that I have to drive to Woodfield to get and it takes me two hours!!!
Okay, I'm done now.
4/2: Can I just say something?
" ."
Alright, I'm done now.
3/18:
Fool-Hearty
© Greg Allen
(Matt is sat on platforms, stage right, next to Shannon.)
Matt. I love you.
Shannon. I don't. (She exits.)
Matt. I think that's one of the great fears - to lay it all on the line, to take your raw throbbing pulsing beating heart from your chest, hand it to somebody, and they get out their spiked golf shoes and do a demonic tap dance on it. (He gets up and moves to sit next to Amanda, center stage platform.)
Matt. I think you're pretty great.
Amanda. I don't. (She exits.)
Matt. But the thing is - you gotta hang in there, you gotta just forge ahead and take the risk that just because you unconditionally give your heart to an ultimately unknown identity, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll put it in one of those ratcheted iron table vices and slowly crush every ounce of living tissue out of it. (He gets up and moves to sit next to Monique, stage left boxes.)
Matt. It was a nice day today, hunh?
Monique. No. (She exits.)
Matt. I mean just because a certain pattern may seem to be evidencing itself in a kind of bold, tactile painful way, doesn't mean it will necessarily continue on into a neverending hell equal to having someone slice open your stomach, rip out your intestines, nail them to a tree, and force you to disembowel yourself by running around it! (Sarah enters and stands center stage. Matt moves and stands left of her.)
Matt. Do you know what time it is?
Sarah. Yes, it's about seven thirty.
(Pause as Sarah smiles at Matt and Matt smiles at the audience.)
Matt. You know, there's always hope - if you're just persistent and go with what you feel. There's always a future, and you never know what it's gonna be.
Matt. I love you.
(Just as she is about to respond somone calls "CURTAIN!")
A scene as performed in the 2001 Drama III Studio Show of selected scenes from Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind.
3/13: "... I never really had Krystyna's attention in any way more than a mouse holds a cat's attention. I was a brief distraction, a quick source of amusement, to be discarded without a care. I hate her so much, now I can see her for what she was. I keep thinking of events with her, and initially saying to myself 'No, she can't always just have been using me for fun.' Then I actually look at it all, and realize that she was. I can't think of any time when she really showed any sense of caring or emotion..."
~ a selection from my journal
3/11: [censored]
3/9: Don't tell me not to live in the past.
The future is unknown, the present is already the past when you reach it, so when else is there to live?
Don't tell me not to live in a dream.
In my dreams, anything is possible. In my life, nothing is attainable.
Don't tell me anything is impossible.
With enough belief, I have been told, anything is possible.
3/6: Decisions, decisions...
Who gives me the right to choose anything over another's life?
How can I tell someone else what I want, when I don't know myself?
How can I figure out for myself what it is I want?
Why does it all come down like this?
3/5b: No, I haven't. For those of you who would have asked.
3/5: I have a less of a clue today than I had yesterday, but more of a clue today than I shall have tomorrow. Yet I shall always have more of a clue than some.
3/2: Apperently, I must be taught to cha cha better than I can. Which is pretty miserably, I have to admit. What is going on now that I don't know about? Should I even be asking questions? I should just resign myself to not knowing and being jumped on out of the shadows at random. How scary that is.
2/26: [censored]
2/25: It's hard to go sometimes. I don't think there's anyone out there, at least, no one I know, who hasn't wanted life to just fuck off from time to time. Thing is, in a way, it can sometimes be easier to keep going than to just get it over with. There is always something, somewhere to look forward to. Good thing too, because I'll be so screwed if I ever lost any of you guys. So, please... don't any of you ever do that. For yourselves too.
2/24: [censored]
2/20: Part 2 of yesterday's entry, in a way. It's always... supposedly... nice to apologize. Self satisfying, I hear. I remain unconvinced, when all I seem to get is demands for explanations and yellings at. So I retract a part of my apology. If I, in any way, apologized for how I feel, I retract it whole heartedly. If I was in control of it, I wouldn't be doing it. I'm not though. I can't ignore my feelings, and, come to think about it, I don't want to ignore them. Why should I? To make everyone else happy? I don't think so. I'm not the only around here who needs to deal. Maybe I'm being selfish, but that's human nature. Last time I checked, I was still human, no matter what some of you seem to think.
2/19: I believe I should mention that I am sorry to those who I hurt recently. Whilst I can't say it was comletely not my intetion; I was aware that my actions were probably going to have some adverse effects, but I did not realize the extent. I will not say I'm entirely blameless, I can whole heartedly admit to not being completely in control of my own emotions. It'd be easier if I was, but I'm not. Somehow, I'll get all this figured out. 2/18: For those of you who don't know, there's a reason I'm an idiot. It's because I still, yes still, like Krystyna. I'm sorry, I can't help it, I've tried everything I know how to do, but I'm sick of lying, to everyone else and to myself. So now you all know. I'm not proud of it, and I'm trying to deal with it, and not just by myself this time. We'll see what happens and whether I can get through this without anyone being caused any serious damage. 2/17: As wonderful as I'm sure dreams can be... they can be one of the most painful things in the world too. After having the most pleasant dream of my life, the world always seems too harsh and vicious. Makes me wish I could just live there in my dreams and leave this real world crap to those who are happy with it.
2/16: Stupid, stupid, stupid. You know, I find myself saying that way too much recently. Quite possibly because it's true, but I'm sure that wasn't my point. What was my point...? Oh yeah, I need a lobotomy of some sort, in order to remove the parts of my brain containing certain memories. Good memories, possibly too much so. I'll survive though, I'm supposed to be strong like that. It's my job. 2/15: You know, I'm really not one hundred percent sure what it is that's making me angry at the moment. Or at least, I'm certainly not posting whatever any real reasons I have are on here in too much detail right now.
Needless to say, I'm angry, I think maybe at the things I'm 'supposed' to do. My obligations, as opposed to the things I'd be doing right now if my heart could have its way and suchlike. Unfortunately, no such luck anywhere near here any time soon. For now, that's all I'm saying, but I think it's likely there might be more stuff here after the dance. |
